What Makes Us Help, When It Hurts?

What Makes Us Help, When It Hurts?

by Irma Givens

             

If you continue to lie there, you will continue to be walked on.

           We tell ourselves it is a new day and I will not continue to help those who continue to hurt and disappoint me.  Soon we find ourselves right back there helping them again and again.  The question we need to answer is what makes me continue to help, when it hurts so much. 

            How many times have you found yourself in this position?  Knowing that you are a helper and you have a burning desire to help others.  However, the same selected few seem to hurt you over and over again.  Could it be the satisfaction that we get from helping, the love and attachment we have to this person or these people or is it that we make ourselves believe that this time will be different?  Whatever it is, we need to get to the bottom of it so that change can take place.

            The first thing that we must accept is that we can’t change anyone other than ourselves.  The next thing is that others will only change when they have a sincere desire and the will power to make those changes.  The third thing, if we keep doing the same thing, we will keep getting the same thing.

            We are the common denominator, the enabler and ultimately we are the only ones that have the power to change the situation.  We have always being the doers, even when we said oh I’m not doing this again.  We continue to be sucked into helping one more time.  We know the outcome before we step into it, yet we step on in anyhow. 

            To those looking in from the outside, we are being fools because we continue to allow them to take advantage of us.  Your very kind nature has become a weakness as it relates to these relationships in your life.  As you cry through another painful experience, another point of disappointment, you somehow think why do they keep treating me this way? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t they love me as much as I love them? They just don’t care about me or how I feel!

            Those feelings are real and some of them valid.  However, we must focus on the “I” questions taking responsibility for our part in all this.  Why do “I” keep allowing this to happen? What is it that “I” need to do to change it? Do “I” need to discontinue this relationship? Can “I” help in a way that will not cause me pain & disappointment? Can “I” love and support them in another way? What can “I” do to make me feel whole? Can “I” forgive and move forward? Am “I” an enabler?

            Once you begin to focus on you, you begin to feel better and see things a little differently.  Rather than simply placing the blame, you are taking responsibility for your actions which will empower you to make the necessary changes.  Perhaps this has been happening to you for years, the difference is now you are fully aware of it, empowered to change it and you can own it.  Take the steps needed to heal your hurt.  You may fear what will happen to our relationship.  It’s ok, look at what’s happening in your relationship now.  Everybody was not intended to be with you every step of your journey.  Some folks have reserved seats on another flight and during a layover, such as this one right here; they will board a different plane.

            Take care of yourself, first! When others do not value you for who you are and the contributions that you make in their lives, perhaps you need to re-think the value of the relationship.  Keeping in mind this goes for all relationships.  Many times we allow our family members to get away with everything and we justify it by saying they are family.  No, family needs to honor, respect, love and care for one another too.  Family is not a free pass to treat you like crap!